Friday, July 23, 2010

Exorcist: The Musical - My Exorcist Things

Ah, the dreaded List Song; bane to actors everywhere, who struggle with the order and can't recall what stanza they're in. Most musicals have them, and I choose to put mine here, after the implied question, "So what's in your bag, Father Merrin?"

(Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")

Gold crucifixes, their touch is corrosive
Water that’s blest. as a test, is explosive
More holy crap than the angels have wings
These are the things that an exorcist brings

One purple stole that is woven from satin
Ritual book, in both English and Latin
They’ll kick that demon right square in the ass
These are the things that an exorcist has

One pair of candles for when I say masses
One box of Kleenex to clean off my glasses
That comes in handy when wiping off shit
All in an exorcist’s traveling kit

When the bed shakes
When the room quakes
And I’m feeling scared
I simply remember my exorcist things
And know that I’m well prepared

Communion bread (but it really is Jesus)
Allergy med for when I get the sneezes
Pills for an old man’s diseases and aches
These are the things that an exorcist takes

Charcoal for lighting and incense for burning
Prayers to intone while her young head is turning
Gin in a flask, for I’m only so strong
(Keep that between us as we go along)

Lotions and gauze because wounds need repairing
One set of earplugs to block out the swearing
One little pillow for under my knees
All help me exorcise with expertise

When the night falls
When the dawn breaks
When all hope is gone
I simply collect all my exorcist things
And exorcise on…and on!

1 comment:

Pax Romano said...

I am drawing up divorce papers and am heading to Reno ... give me a couple of weeks to finalize everything , because then I am coming to Wisconsin or wherever the hell you are, to marry you! You are one twisted, talented guy! Thank you so much for this!